Archived: 18/08/07
From: "Emi"
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: The Birth Of A Tradition
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick
it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
From: Stuart
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Brain Cramps
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, Vice President
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
From: Steve
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Woman Driver Of The Year
10th Place:
9th Place:
8th Place:
7th Place:
6th Place:
5th Place:
4th Place:
Bronze:
Silver:
Gold:
From: Faye
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: The Squirrel And The Grasshopper
Thought for the day .... Very Orwellian
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
---------------
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news and broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share", and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile.
The squirrel's food is siezed and redistributed to the more needy members of society, in this case, the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain, as they had to share their country of origin with mice.
On arrival, they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing, but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in the UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drug habit. He is imprisoned, but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks, he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 to state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs, and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
From: Clive
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Clever Advertising
From: Emi
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: The Donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
Moral from todays lesson:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
From: Steve
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Sorry Girls
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends
and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his Father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
From: Paul
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Are they ok?
Archived: 11/11/06
From: [address removed]
MASTERCARD wedding...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
"F**k you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F**k you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta
His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
Kat
From: [address removed]
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I get away with it?"
From: [address removed]
Man goes to see the Doctor "Doctor I think I have caught that bird
flu that's going around"
Matt
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Mastercard
at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno
mentioned it on his Tonight Show. It was a huge wedding with about 300
guests. After the wedding at the reception the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to
thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep
appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So
taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party,
was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked
them to open their envelope.
having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them
weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the next morning.
While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong.
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family
members.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$ 3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$ 8,500.
bride humping the bestman...Priceless.
there's MASTERCARD.
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Psychic
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Bird Flu
"What makes you think that sir?"
"Well I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't
Park the car"
To remove yourself from my mailing list reply to a message with 'Remove' as the subject.
From: [address removed]
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman
retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to
carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means
four".
The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your
supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat
Uno."
Steve
From: [address removed]
From: [address removed]
Sentences taken from actual applicants' letters received by local Welfare Departments in Australia.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I have 7, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
This is my 8th child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now live with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 3 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off 2 weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for 2 weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
____________________________________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which, is four."
____________________________________________________________________________
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.
Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods".
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her.
Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady. He said yes, they ran that way through the woods.
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see, we work at a sanatorium nearby. Every now and then that girl gets away and, all she wants to do is get naked and make love."
The golfer then asked, "Well, what's the bucket of sand for???"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her the last time!!"
Alex
From: [address removed]
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE!
2:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - OH NO! BATH . SH*T!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the head to show them what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are either stupid or out to get me. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Jonno
From: [address removed]
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells
the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He
assures her they have a good selection of pink
curtains.
He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink
fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink
floral pattern, the salesman asks her, "What sizes
do you need?"
She replies, "Just 15 inches."
He exclaims, "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?"
She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room.
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do
not have curtains."
The blonde says, "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows
From: [address removed]
Herman walked into the local brothel and said, "I want to see Natalie."
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie."
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, Herman pulled out ten $100 bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The next night, Herman appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, she was just too expensive, and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again Herman pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night, Herman was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
Herman replied, "New York." "Really" she said. "I have family in New York." "I know," Herman said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
Isabelle
From: [address removed]
From: [address removed]
Tom
From: [address removed]
Some students were assigned to watch the movie Titanic, and read the book My Life by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following report:
Titanic: Over 3 hours to watch
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
From: [address removed]
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Irish Checkpoint
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal
to put 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four"
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking
the law.
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Complaints
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Todays Assortment
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my maths homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Two very contrasting diary excerpts
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Curtains
It's for my computer monitor."
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Three things in life
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Thai Dwarf
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Clean Jokes for slightly Twisted minds!
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Clinton and the Titanic
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Clinton: Monica ... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary ... basically the same thing.
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Blonde Joke
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes sweetie, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No sweetheart, it's because you're 25."
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Great Pics
To remove yourself from my mailing list reply to a message with 'Remove' as the subject.
From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Cover Letters
From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Oil Change
How Men and Women Change the Oil
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
----------------
$21.00 Total
Men:
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to
match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
---------------------------
$1337 Total
From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Quotes from resumés
From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Customers
Matt
From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Gynecology
A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the exhaust."
Gary
From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Help desks of all times and places.
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
===============
Mike
From: [Address Removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Italians At War
An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Phil
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though, they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: AAADD
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes.....
I decided to wash the car, started toward the garage and noticed the mail on the table.
OK, I'm going to wash the car...
BUT FIRST, I'm going to go through the mail.
Lay car keys down on desk.
After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk...
BUT FIRST, I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills...
Yes, Now where is the checkbook?
Oops... there's only one check left.
Where did I put the extra checks?
Oh, there's my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks...
BUT FIRST, I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here?
I'll just put them away...
BUT FIRST, need to water those plants.
I head for the door and ... Aaaah!
Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot.
OK, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...
BUT FIRST, I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: car not washed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, trash still here, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, and when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!!
I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...
BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.
Matt
For more funny emails sent straight to you, join my mailing list. Send me an email with 'Join' as the subject line, or use this link;
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A woman was complaining about her car.
She told her husband she longed for something that goes from 0 - 100 in 4 seconds.
Attached is a picture of his thoughtful gift... apparently he's dead now.
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Women and Men
From: [address withheld]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Communication
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in
the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is
there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son
and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she
responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier
than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a
divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!"
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Another Assortment
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order
to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the
Emergency room right away.
*********************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River, they
were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon
activated when the raft is inflated. they are no longer employed there.
*********************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the
problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a
huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more
investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy
about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a
bucket at his feet, full of change.
*********************
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup.
Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his
note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note
and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a
few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read
it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he
was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
*********************
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment,he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture ... of handcuffs.
*********************
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Floor
IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....
YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING....... (not that you would...)
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM....
You open the door..... and..
NOW, REMEMBER, THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!
KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY..... DOESN'T IT?
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Windows
Windows, how do i love thee
Why not count the ways
From:[address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Bird Flu Hits France
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Why men are happier
Sad but true....I like the mustache bit best.....
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be Prime Minister or President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station loo because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £5000. Morning suite rental £ 100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday
requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck (and these are optional).
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Only In..
Only in Japan
Only in Austrailia
Only In France
Only In Amsterdam
Only In Spain
Only In Hawaii
Only In India
Only In Mexico
Only In Texas
Only In Thailand
And Last
Only In America
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Spelling
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
If you can raed tihs fdoawrd it !!
Steve
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: EuroEnglish
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
ZEN VE VIL RUL ZE VORLD!!!
Matt
For more funny emails sent straight to you, join my mailing list. Send me an email with 'Join' as the subject line, or use this link;
To remove yourself from my mailing list reply to a message with 'Remove' as the subject.
Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...
#20 Found missing
#19 Resident alien
#18 Airline food
#17 Same difference
#16 Government organization
#15 Sanitary landfill
#14 Alone together
#13 Business ethics
#12 Sweet sorrow
#11 Military intelligence
#10 Plastic glasses
#9 Terribly pleased
#8 Definite Maybe
#7 Pretty Ugly
#6 Computer Security
#5 Political science
#4 Diet ice cream
#3 Working Holiday
#2 Exact estimate
#1 Microsoft Works
Anon
From: [address withheld]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Tommy Cooper One Liners
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
Steve
From: [address withheld]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject:Bush Talk
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Stuart
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005
Comedy... quite literally!
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon.
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go "What's my favourite flower?", and
you murmur to yourself "Sh*t, I wasn't listening - self-raising?".
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place - only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show '50 Things To Do Before You Die'. I would have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help!!
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron.
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork .....
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms.
A dog goes into a hardware store and says "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the
circus?". The dog replies "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!".
Norman Lovett at The Stand.
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly.
Alan
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Engineers
Engineers:-
Take One-
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Take Two-
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the Manager, the glass has the ability to double its productivity.
Take Three-
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind golfers. We always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Take Four-
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Take Five-
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Take Six-
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Stuart
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Equal Opportunities Pilots
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of an airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way alone the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moments, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines , secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says: "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: How To Die Earlier
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She then had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way Home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied,
"I didn't recognize you."
Phil
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Music Man
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
He's decomposing.
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Air Traffic Control
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right! "
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Josè Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport area short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You will taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Warning, This is gruesome, do not open if you have a weak stomach
Dear Simon
This is gut wrenching, and I apologise for the graphic content but feel compelled to forward this on.
A friend of mine in Germany sent me this photo of a horrible accident on the autobahn. As many of you may know, whether you have travelled to Germany or not, the autobahn is an expressway with virtually no speed limits.
The attached picture may be kind of hard to take. If you look closely at the attached photograph, you can see what appears to be some survivors of the accident, still in the wreckage.
Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us
Alex
Attachment: Autobahn.jpg
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Inner Peace
I am passing this onto you because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read;
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and
hadn't finished...
...before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a
bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack
Daniels, the Prozac, the Valium, half a cheesecake and a box of Terry's
All Gold.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel.
You must pass this on to all those you feel are in need of inner peace
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Posh & Becks
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching The six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says:
"David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't"
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.
But she refuses."I can't take your money, David," she says.
"The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babes, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were.
I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
____________________________
The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday,just before the game, when Zidane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks."If he's having a new car, so am I."
____________________________
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks the lads.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.
___________________________
Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed.
The mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".
So she takes the car home and tries it.
David spots her from the house and shouts "You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"
___________________________
David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground.His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down.Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it.
___________________________
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.
Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar,and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me".
"My God, what did you tell them?"asked Posh. The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow.
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: BMW Drivers
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BMW DRIVER
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
(Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?)
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 120mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3). But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See now, that's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW !
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Killer Biscuits!
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Intensive Care
A man was placed in intensive care, tubes everywhere, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors pinging, etc.
After a few days, one of the men had the strength to raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and said, "Jimmy."
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."
This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they tried again.
The first man pointed to himself and said, "Scottish."
The second man said, "Irish."
Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep.
In another couple of days they were at it again.
Jimmy summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."
Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."
This time they were both stronger and could continue.
"Cancer," said Jimmy.
......."Sagittarius," replied Paddy.
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Light Entertainment
Attachment: lightentertainment.pps
775kb, Requires MS Powerpoint.
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: Virus
Ok one of you gits sent me a virus and this is what happened to my mouse.
Attachment: mouse.jpg
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: 10 Husbands, still a virgin.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
From: [address removed]
To: webmaster {at} thesimonator {dot} co {dot} uk
Subject: If Only!!
If only;
Attachment: image001.jpg